NOT CRICKET: It bothers me
This is pretty personal stuff and forgive the ridiculously self-indulgent nature of it. My blog wasn’t really intended for the boring minutiae of my not very exciting life.
But I’ve been struggling recently. Struggling on a number of fronts. With juggling being a single mum and having a career. With money. With self-confidence. With feeling stuck in a rut. I cry over nothing and I feel pretty shite quite a lot of the time.
I mean I’m ok. I’m functioning. I can laugh. I am enjoying both my jobs, I enjoy playing hockey, I love cricket (obviously) and I do get pleasure from my little boy.
But I’m struggling. And mostly I’m struggling because I’m lonely. There I’ve said it. And I can feel you cringeing as you read that. I agree, it’s not very British to write those words is it? I cringed as I typed them.
Every rational bone in my body tells me I shouldn’t be bothered about being single. It’s not that big a deal. I’m an independent woman with an income, my own house, a car, you know – stuff. I don’t NEED a man. Of course, I don’t NEED a man.
Recently, someone set up a rather unkind parody twitter account of me which took the piss out of my seemingly not very well hidden sadness at being single. I won’t link to it because I don’t really want to give it oxygen – it’s just a piss taking account that I probably ask for given how much I give away about myself on Twitter. I don’t know who set it up but if it was designed to hurt me, it worked.
It’s not nice having to admit loneliness. And it’s not nice to have to admit that no one really wants you. It’s not nice spending every single evening alone on the sofa when sometimes you want to tell someone your day was a bit rubbish or ask someone what you should dress your son up for World book day or how you get him to go to sleep at night. It’s not nice to constantly hear yourself being the one to say “James go to sleep.” ”James put your shoes on”. ”James please don’t draw on the walls”. I hear myself sometimes and all I hear is some horrible nagging woman.
It’s not nice to always have to make your own cup of tea. Sometimes I’d just like to have one made for me. It’s not a big thing. It’s a very little thing. But it bothers me.
But mostly it’s hard not to take it personally. It’s not easy to put your single status down to bad timing, or luck or circumstance or just one of those things. It’s not easy to not think there’s something wrong with you. Am I not pretty enough? Am I not thin enough? Am I too bolshy? Am I too highly strung?
Of course there’s something wrong with me. There’s something wrong with all of us. I’m no Angel. I’m annoying, ranty, anger-filled, bitter, jealous, extraordinarily emotional and probably pretty selfish. I’m not young. I’m a single mum.
None of those things are going to put me at the top of the “must have that woman” list.
I’m not pretty in the sense that I’m not one of those women that blokes would do that jaw drop thing I’ve seen them do with other women.
I know all this. I’m self aware.
But does the sum of all that mean I don’t deserve intimacy, love, companionship – all the things that I’m pretty sure most people spend their lives looking for (until they find it)?
I don’t know. Maybe it does.
It feels ludicrously selfish to be bothered by something like this when the world is a massive shitfest of suffering and pain and of course I’m grateful that I live in relative comfort.
I don’t really know what the point of this post was actually other than to write down that it bothers me that I’m alone. It shouldn’t. I try not to let it. But the brutal truth is – it does.
I have suffered over the years with depression, anxiety and all sorts. Drop me a line if you feel up to it. I’m not a counsellor but deal with shit regularly. No need to respond if you don’t think it’s right.
Well I’m glad it didn’t bother you so much you couldn’t say so. It’s good to say so. There’s nothing wrong with it. Most of us have felt this way often. And it hits women especially. I have a lot of friends who deal with this frustration and boredom and, yes, loneliness, especially those around my age (and I am 40).
I hope you can enjoy things enough to make things good on balance. And good luck.
A few positive comments from this which you are aware, i dont know you from the next but you gotta take the positives from what you do & blank out the negatives. Old cliché but stay positive and think of the good things that you have- andy x
Lizzy,
There is no shame in honesty. In fact honesty is more admirable than trying to hide it and become bitter and twisted in the extreme. I applaud your blog and if there was a magic wand I could wave for you I would. I do not say that through pity in anyway, moreover I just do not like seeing ppl who are sad or lonely, particularly nice people.
I wish you well and hope that next time you shop you bump into someone and companionship appears. They say it often comes where you do not expect it. Stay strong.
You’re not alone, and it isn’t something to be ashamed of. You’ve done nothing wrong, yet I bet you question that at times. Why? I read your twitter feed. You’re smart, you know your sport, you’re not big headed, and you do the hardest job any person can do – be a single mum – on your own. That takes strength. And some men see strong women as a threat, so that isn’t your problem, it’s theirs.
You’ve got the love of the most important person on the planet, and that means that you’re doing something worthwhile and, in my opinion, attraction isn’t just skin deep. It’s about having soul, and spirit. Please don’t let anybody knock that out of you because, someday, somebody will notice this, and will want to know about you.
And at the end of a crap day, remember that tomorrow is another day, and it’ll be your day. Keep the faith.
Thats my exact feelings especially lonely . I lost my wife to brain tumour last year we been together for 16 years and we got 9 year old son and without him it would be hard to even get up , yet sometimes u just need that grown up conversation especially at end of day when curtains closed . Funny enough it’s daft things like world book day that make u feel worse his mum would have made him something , very competitive , me bought outfit from tesco feel bad ! U not on your own with these feelings cry when u want but believe and stay strong .
Great post Lizzy. Much as we hate to admit it at times, our greatest need is for company, and whilst our children mean the world to us, they don’t cut it for adult companionship.
Full marks for your candour and honesty; I hope it’s been therapeutic. And if nothing else, there will be the dulcet tones of cricket commentators to listen to for (hopefully) the next five nights (or days, in my case), providing the Dunedin weather behaves.
Hang in there; I’m sure that happier times are on the horizon. And just think; England must have a great chance of inflicting more Ashes misery on the Ockers; that has to be cause for optimism!
Can’t say anything to help other than you are clearly a very interesting person who entertains through writing for a wide cricket audience. I suspect the moment that being single stops being a problem for you then this situation will change. Life seems to be like that. Best wishes and good luck.
No shame in being bothered by loneliness. When I was younger, it was the thing that made me miserable – I was lonely a lot. It still makes me incredibly sad to think of people being lonely. Not just big, elderly people in care home with noone visiting lonely, but all sorts.
Wish there was something more comforting to say or offer. But I hope writing this helps, and the responses too. Keep going.
That’s a brave blog post and I’m glad you had the guts to write it. I was going to write something long and sympathetic but Brendan appears to have put it better than I would have so I’ll just second what he said
I’m with Tony (and therefore with Brendan!)… Beautifully put (which I do realise was hardly the point!) and powerful too.
I hope writing that has had some cathartic benefit. I know exactly what you mean and I hope that the good ones on twitter and other places can fill a tiny bit of that void. Although its quite often far from ‘adult’ chat.
My heart really goes out to you and some of my friends who are single parents as well as holding down a job. I’ve quite often wondered how on earth you manage it with the kind of job you do.
I wish I could repay the enjoyment I’ve had listening to you and reading your writing and as far as I’m concerned you are right up there as a talented, intelligent and attractive woman.
You have your son and a special bond that only the two of you can have and he will appreciate everything you’ve done for him, eventually…it might take a while though. Trust me on that.
Feel free to drop in if you’re ever this far north, I’ve a very friendly 6 yr old and a partner who’ll share a bottle or two with you and put the world to right.
Keep at it we’re behind you all the way in a very 21st century manner. x
How very refreshing and honest to read Lizzy, keep up the good work and ignore the idiots, sending hugs and tea!
xx
Chin up Lizzy, you may be a bit low at the moment but you can take heart in your amazing ability to entertain. Keep twittering and carry on!
Lizzy,
I have followed you on twitter for a while and wish more people on their were as genuine and honest as you. I have suffered from so many of the feelings you describe and am happily married to a wonderful wife. I have been treated for depression and anxiety and often for me their is no rhyme or reason for the low times. It is always good to read/hear people being brave enough to admit to these feelings. It’s so easy to dismiss for those who can’t or won’t understand. It makes us all feel slightly less isolated every time someone else admits they feel the same. Thank you!
I know exactly where you are coming from. I’ve been struggling with loneliness for the last year or so as well. It is awful, I desperately want the companionship and sometimes just someone who I can rely on, who thinks the way I feel matters.
Completely agree with what Tony said. Chin up.
Lizzy, what an extraordinarily honest blog, you should be proud of your self that not only are you more honest than most of us would ever be but also you have the ability to identify why you are (or feel) unhappy.
I suffered from depression in the months leading up to to Christmas, but unlike you I was afraid to let anybody know for far of ridicule etc. None of my family or work colleagues had any idea of condition.
My GP eventually sorted me out but what I regret the most was not be open and honest about my depression – you have not only opened up to the people closest to you but also for the world to see – I know from experience that that is a massive achievement and as I said at the start you should be proud of yourself not only for the courage it has taken in this blog but also what you have achieved as a journalist as well as having nearly 10k people following you on twitter.
Lastly, please please remember that depression is an illness not a weakness.
Lizzy.
Being practical, do try Sunday Times Encounters column. It worked for me !
Lizzy – without sounding like repitition, I do appreciate how difficult it can be to experience loneliness. It is also a misnomer in people not realising that being alone and being lonely are not the same thing.
You write with great intelligence humour and honesty.
What you call taking the p**s I’d suggest is not so but I do agree it needs to be given no oxygen.
Situations do change and I met and married the most amazing woman when I had suffered anxiety and periods of depression for several months; a situation which knocked me for six having always seemed to take everything in my stride until then.
That aside, I’m a villa and Northants supporter so I have my own trials to wrestle.
I’m sure you will take some comfort in the genuine good wishes in the comments here x
I started following you on twitter for your cricketing insights but I’ve grown to appreciate your personal tweets more. It’s sort of reassuring to know other people have the same issues. The modern world seems to be all about first impressions and if you’re lonely, self-conscious and a bit shy or insecure then you feel sidelined which makes you question yourself more and leads to a vicious circle. When I find a way out of it I will let you know!
BTW despite being 32, Bruce Martin’s action reminds me of a pre-injury Vettori
What an honest post that smacked me right in the middle of the head! (You should be the Adele of the cricket world after that) Lizzy I wish I could be your friend that would hug you and tell you everything will turn out okay. I have read and re read that post lots of times since you posted it. It is just so honest and so raw. Other people have posted far more eloquent responses than I could ever and they are right. Brendan nails it for me.
Regarding always telling your son off my wife feels exactly the same with our son. Are you able to have sometime apart. You know absence does make the heart grow fonder and it will give you time to rest and recharge your batteries. (I’m only talking a weekend you know not a year!!)
As for the beauty thing take heart that people that get to know you because of who you are, not of what you look like. Beauty is only skin deep anyway, once you get to know someone you always look beyond that in a person.
Best wishes and I hope things turn around for you soon.
Bob
Great, honest post, but also something not to worry about. My mum was with my dad for 15 years, 3 kids together then when I was 7 he sodded off for some one younger, probably a fairly common occurrence. And I can honestly say its the best thing to happen to all of us (apart from him but be made his bed etc).
After a few years my mum has found someone who has made her happier than ever before, without even looking for them. You’re obviously a smart, beautiful woman in every way so that’ll come, sometimes it just takes longer than we’d like, but you’ll get what you want, and the man who makes that happen will be one lucky bugger.